Me: Isaac what are you doing? 

Isaac: I’m pooping Mommy, almost done!

Me: Okay.

Isaac: Hey Mom? Can you come in here?

Me: Yes, what do you need?

Isaac: I need you to wipe my bottom.

Me: Isaac you are 4 years old and you can do it yourself. 

Isaac: I don’t want to. When I’m old,  like maybe 7, I’ll do it by myself. 

Me: Isaac why don’t you want to wipe? Seriously this is gross for Mommy.

Isaac: Because I have you Mommy, that is what girls are for.

There are no words for this. If this is what I’ve taught him, then clearly I should’ve spent more time at work.

To all of the butt wiping Mommy’s out there, it’s 5 o’clock someplace right? Have a glass of wine…but wash your hands first.

It is 68 degrees and sunny outside. Both of my children are sleeping. My refrigerator is full of good food because I just got back from Costco and I have a new book to read. Life is good.

P.S. I really like living here.

Wrankled, messy, tore up. This is my heart on fear. My head swims with the decisions, the indecision, the possibilities for failure. What if I did something wrong, what if one of the kids got sick, what if we ran out of money, what if… you get the idea.

Ever since I was a child I can remember the palpable emotion of fear. It has been a constant in my life. Not because I was raised with terror or abuse or some terrible form of neglect. Actually, I was loved and well cared for. The fear snuck in all on its’ own and has managed to ravage my days. This move brought up a whole new level of fear and worry that I never thought possible. I found that there were so many decisions, so many possibilities to do the wrong thing.

At first I thought my propensity toward fear was because I am smart. You see, I understand the consequences of action, I know the statistics on injury and disease, I know that if things can go wrong they will. I know, I sound like Debbie the Downer…Living this way makes me a less than desirable party guest.

Later in life as I contemplated this fear mongering, I began to think maybe I am cursed, genetically pre-disposed to a negative way of thinking. Lately I’ve come to the conclusion that it is the thorn in my side, the thing that God never quite removes. I don’t know yet if it is because I won’t let Him or because He has chosen not to. I suppose the answer will come with time.

Either way, decisions come at a great cost if you live life in fear. What you will have for dinner can spiral into an internal dialogue about weight and colon health. On the really big decisions fear can act as a complete roadblock and lead only to inaction, even if you are being called by God to act.

So what does one do about fear and where does fear come from? The humanistic approach would be to say that fear comes from lack of knowledge, so to learn is to remove fear. I’ve found the greater knowledge I have on a subject, the more likely I am to analyze it to eternity and back with no conclusion. You see for me fear is not being scared of something I don’t know, it is a worry that something unexpected, unplanned for will pop up and change everything.

I know intellectually that fear has a purpose and that some fear of things is healthy. When does it move to unhealthy? When does it cross the line into negative thinking and predisposal of bad outcomes? It seems like the line is fine and unclear. However, today I heard a quote that made me think a little differently about fear.

“Fear is the defining characteristic of a man expecting punishment.”

If I could insert a picture of a light bulb going off, I would because it was that obvious. I operate on the premise of fear because of my expectation of punishment for action/inaction. This says a lot about what I believe about God. I live in expectation of His punishment. If I do the wrong thing then certainly I can expect some consequence or punishment, hence the fear regarding the original decision. So really, the fear is about a lack of control in the outcome, not the decision itself.

I wish I could say that all of this goes on in a conscious environment. However, fear is so familiar, so comfortable, that all of this is actually occurring on a deeper level. So changing it is going to take me being aware of this little mini drama as it plays out. As with anything good in life, this will take work on my behalf.

I know that God loves me and commands me to rid myself of fear. He wants me to live with abandon for Him. To do so means I have to shed my belief that He is an eternal punisher. God is love, His greatest commandment is to love, He speaks of love consistently. While my choices may warrant consequence at some point, it is not God’s intention or sole purpose to provide those consequences. He FIRST loved me, before the world existed. However, He loves me still, after I sin, after I make the wrong choices.

Because of this love, I can’t let fear grip my heart in expectation of punishment. Instead I will strive to walk in expectation of being loved no matter what.

Today after church and after naps, I snapped a few pictures in the backyard. I love how everything grows here because of the climate…maybe even me.

These hydrangea’s grow on our back fence. I love them.

Not sure what kind of flower this is but it sure is pretty.

This bird feeder needs a bath.

Ice plant is cool. Ha! Get it?

This scrub oak takes up most of our yard.

 Again, pretty but not sure what it is.

 Just darn cute, he is.

 I think I’ve only seen this plant in dry arrangements at my mother’s house.

Kevin gave Isaac a “roley poley” bug and he was thrilled.

Things I’ve learned about the new town I live in:

1. People are pretty active, lots of joggers and dog walking going on.
2. I smell pot almost every night, so I assume most people are also stoned a lot.
3. Not sure how 1 &2 go together. Generally # 2 is a little unmotivating…
4. There is a preponderance of Louis Vitton purses.
5. There is also a preponderance of BMW’s.
6. People are really friendly (see #2).
7. Tourists are already annoying. I feel bad saying this but it is true.
8. Fast food is too far away to be worth it. Again not sure how this gels with #2’s cravings. Maybe late night bagel runs?
9. Fog is a way of life. You must be one with the fog or you will get depressed.
10. The fog makes my hair curly, so maybe my junior high hairstyle wasn’t entirely the perm’s fault.

Don’t worry, there are pictures. However, read the narrative first as it will make the pictures come to life…

So, last Friday the truck was packed, the house was clean and the door was locked. We left town around 12 noon and went about driving the two hours to our new home, full of anticipation. We joked about how hot it was in the Valley that day and how we couldn’t wait for the foggy Carmel we know so well. The joke was on us.

Usually, as you travel west on the 156 and hit the 101 you can feel the temp drop about 10-15 degrees almost immediately when the ocean is in view. Curiously, the temperature stayed in the 90’s. Then something unbelievable happened, as we rounded the hill past Monterey into Carmel, the temp began to CLIMB to 97 degrees.

Anyone who lives in the Valley would scoff at the fact that we thought this was a bad thing. Surely you’ve heard of air conditioning, right Jenn? Well guess what my adoring fans, this new little abode I like to call the Easy Swede? Yeah she has NO CENTRAL AIR. So, as we pull up with two restless children, sore backs and a full truck, we all begin to realize what this heat means.

It meant that the house was a balmy 102 degrees and we had a crapload of work ahead of us that would leave us all in a puddle of sweat and frustration. As I walked into the house for the first time, the heat hit me in the face like a prize fighter. Then as I looked around I saw a whole lot of stuff that should have gone to storage the week before. So much stuff that we couldn’t unload the new truck full of our crap because, well, THERE WAS NO PLACE TO PUT IT.

As if all of this wasn’t enough, I had been warned before arrival of a little house guest.  This house guest was of the fur and tail nature and it had been “cornered” in the boys room. So, before moving in, I had to “de-rodent” my children’s room. Lovely.

The mouse had been described as a “rat” that was big and black and “stared down” my husband in the hallway prior to my arrival. Folks, you look at the picture of this creature and tell me if it doesn’t look like it just walked off the set of a Cinderella movie, sore from all of the dress sewing she had to do.

Anyway, so first order of business, get rid of the mouse. It only took a minute after we opened the door before the mouse was on the move. My dad and my husband captured this ferocious creature in a box. Then everyone pet it and gave it a name. Mousy.

After a tearful goodbye to the mouse in the neighbor’s ivy plant, everyone was back to work. I can’t begin to explain the mood that settled in the house due to the heat and the exhaustion. Everyone was literally dripping sweat as they carried in boxes. We were all silently cursing my pack rat nature as well… I can’t throw things away, it’s a problem and I’m seeking help.

That night, when the kids finally went to bed my mom and I proceeded to christen the house with a bottle of nice chardonnay. Yes, I do prefer red wine but it was too FREAKING HOT. What my mother and I failed to take  into account as we sipped this adult beverage is our complete dehydration and lack of food intake for the day.

The next thing you know it’s midnight and we decide to go for a walk. In our pajamas. The local high school down the street was our destination and we weren’t at all loud or lacking in judgement as we headed out on this journey. Please see the pictures for proof of our intoxication.

The next day was almost as hot and after a night spent sweating, everyone agreed it was time to go to Costco and purchase some fans. And we did, $125 worth of fans. Three hours later, it was raining. Awesome.

All in all, move in weekend was swell. I am forever indebted to my family for their help, as the conditions weren’t exactly perfect for moving large and heavy objects for hours at a time.

Also included below are a few pictures of the house. Please note the famed dolphin doorknocker. It’s fierce. Everyone has one. And because I know you were dying to see, I took a picture of the easy bake oven. Yes, that is a plate in the oven. A regular size plate - just in case you thought I was exaggerating when I said the oven was small. It’s like Barbie thanksgiving size small. So whatever.

Also, as an added bonus to the no air conditions, small oven, dolphin door knocker attributes of this lovely house, I discovered that it also has electrical wiring from the 1950’s. What does this mean you say? Well it means that when I run my tiny oven, I can not also run my microwave or the dishwasher or the dryer because if I do…the whole house shorts out. AWESOME. Good news is that I never need to run the dishwasher because it too is from the 1950’s and it has wheels. So you can wheel it to the sink and plug it in. SO CONVENIENT!

Stay tuned folks for more stories from the house that keeps on giving…

About me:

1. This is the first time I’ve done one of these things.
2. I already don’t like it.
3. I love coffee with creamer, but only the powdered kind because the liquid makes my coffee cold.
4. I am considering giving up red meat for health reasons. This won’t be easy because I love In n Out.
5. I thought Transformers was a good movie.
6. I still like Saturday Night Live, even though no one else seems too (besides my family).
7. I am going to vote for a Democrat in November for the first time.
8. I started taking private tennis lessons at age 4 and didn’t stop until 14.
9. I am not very good at tennis.
10. I once had a teacher tell me to chose a career that didn’t involve math.
11. As such, I have a degree in Political Science.
12. I have been pregnant with twins.
13. I have smoked a cigar in a bar in Washington DC, whilest fully intoxicated.
14. I will not smoke cigars ever again.
15. My house does not have a dishwasher, central air or updated electrical wiring.
16. I drive a Toyota 4 Runner, the best car ever.
17. I have a full set of gorgeous china that has never been unpacked since my wedding.
18. I will have been married 9 years this July.
19. I believe in magic.
20. I’m just kidding - the song was in my head.
21. My best friend is my complete opposite in many ways, she keeps me humble.
22. I have a 16 year old sister. I was 15 when she was born, people thought I was her mom and this didn’t set well with me.
23. I tried Babywise with my first child and it worked.
24. I tried Babywise with my second child and it did NOT work.
25. I have the world’s best couch - the Mamoth by Z Gallerie.
26. My favorite movie ever is Say Anything.
27. I have a big crush on John Cusack.
28. I love Banana Republic, their clothes fit me the best.
29. I hate to say it but I am just like everyone else.
30. I love the smell of Eucalyptus trees.
31. I run because I can and because it makes me feel strong.
32. I love black and white photos.
33. I met Sean Connery when I was 12 and he was gorgeous.
34. I got paid more per hour when I was 8 years old than I do now.
35. I am always trying to loose 10 pounds no matter what I weigh.
36. I long to write something significant.
37. I wouldn’t mind getting plastic surgery to undo the damage that nursing my little ones did.
38. I would like to have 2 more children, but I don’t think I am capable of handling the chaos.
39. My husband makes me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever met.
40. Other than my 4 Runner, the only car I want to drive is a BMW station wagon.
41. I am clearly a mommy nerd.
42. I could drop $1000 in one day of shopping and have.
43. I don’t make enough money to do that and I won’t do it again.
44. Both of my children have blonde hair and blue eyes, I do not.
45. I hated high school because I felt like I didn’t fit in.
46. I loved college because I finally stopped caring about fitting in.
47. If I could do anything it would be to write a book that makes people laugh and cry at the same time.
48. My father died when I was 2 and I would really like to talk with him someday.
49. I have a brother that I don’t talk to.
50. I have a lot of gray hair, my mom says it’s genetic.

Pictures and good stories about the move coming tomorrow…

Until then, let’s just say the Easy Swede has not disappointed.

Well clearly I haven’t written anything for a week. I have been busy sipping margarita’s on a lovely mexican beach while someone (Fredrico) rubs my toes and feeds me grapes.

HA HA HA HA

Or, I am surrounded by boxes, lists of things to do and emotional outbursts the size of my hair in high school.

We move tomorrow and I don’t know if it is possible but I feel as though my life is both ending and just begining all at the same time. I lie in bed awake at night trying to picture what our new life will be like, unable to visualize one whole picture…just snapshots of change. I officially feel now like I am a visitor in my current home and town. One foot in each world.

I left a perfectly good job and a perfectly beautiful house in a lovely neighborhood, two miles from my parents for an adventure with my husband and children. I am both terrified and thrilled all at the same time.

I have to pick up a moving truck today and tomorrow morning we will fill it with the small remainder of our stuff left at this house. Sometime around 12 noon tomorrow we will pull out of town and head to our new life in Carmel.

I am so thankful for the opportunity and I am dying to see what the grass looks like on the other side of the fence.

P.S. this is the first time since I was 16 that I have been unemployed. More people should try this…

Some people amble through life directionless. Some people let life’s injustices pass them by. Some people don’t feel obligated to right the wrongs of this world. Well, I ain’t some people.

Cue theme music: “Believe it or not I’m walking on air, never thought I could feel so free-e-e…”

So, much like Mariah Carey, I believe there is a hero in each of us (go ahead sing along, you know you want to). There is a small part of every human psyche that aims to rise above, be great and serve humanity in some way. For me, that little superhero has a name… it is Captain Justice.

My family has referred to me as “the Captain” for some time now. It stems back to my desire to see things “righted” in this very wrong world. Cutting people off in traffic? The Captain says, “no you don’t!” Talking loudly on your cell phone in a restaurant? The Captain will STARE YOU DOWN. Acting like an asshat in general - the Captain will point it out. That is what the Captain does, she let’s you know when you’ve stepped out of the bounds of what she deems is appropriate.

Now, life with the Captain, or CJ for short, isn’t always easy. CJ can change the rules like Superman changes clothes. CJ prefers to have things done the “right way” a.k.a. “her way.” CJ likes to provide a safe environment for everyone so if danger is lurking around the corner, whether it be physical or mental, she is sure to show up and kick some ass.

I tell you all about the Captain because for years I thought it was cute, maybe even endearing. The people in my life were better off because of the Captain’s life saving actions!

However, after many a family snicker at my attempt to make things well with the world, I started to realize that the Captain bordered on…well, bitchy and bossy. Mind you I said  bordered, not fully crossed over.

As a mother now, my CJ tendencies are heightened. My sense of safety and appropriate behavior sound alarms in my head that cannot be ignored. I must let people know what they should do, at all times in order to mother/parent/exist appropriately.

Fast forward to a day at the pool with my parents. My four year old is on the pool raft with my father. My father is baking his already leathery tan body in the sun (hi Dad!) and decides that it is time for a dip in the pool to cool off. As he performs an alligator death roll off of the raft into the water, the raft shimmies and shakes. It tosses the four year old around a bit, but does not put him in any real danger (I would know). However, the movement of the raft scares him a bit.

Does he whine? No.

Does he cry? No.

Does he say: “Well Papa, that wasn’t very safe.” Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Captain Justice Junior. Born March 13, 2004 to the proud superhero Mama, Captain Justice Senior.

Look out world, there’s two of us now.